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The Skinny Black Man
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July 20, 2004

8 more days and a wake-up 

So it's official, I leave in just 9 days for Scotland.  I have to say as the day gets closer, it becomes more real and scares the bejesus out of me.  (What exactly is "bejesus" anyway?  Anyone?)  It'll be the first time I'm off the continent (I've left the country several times, by way of Mexico) and the longest trip away from "home" since I was in the army back in the 20th century (the first gulf war was alright, but the sequel sucked).  Everyone keeps telling me what a wonderful time I'm going to have and how I'm not going to want to come home.  I think they underestimate my love of smog, celebrity, and the misleading and alarmist "What's in your water could kill you!  Tune in Monday." news teasers on Friday.  And while most of what I hear about Edinburgh is that it is beautiful country, the food is "ok," and the people there are very nice even though you can't understand what they are saying,  there is only one problem I have foreseen in my research of the region:  In the midst of summer the high temperature averages around 15 degrees celsius...
That's right I said the HIGH!!!!
If you're not appalled by this then you probably don't know that 15 degrees celsius roughly translates to about 59 degrees farenheit.  Those are winter temperatures in the midst of summer.  Why doesn't Michael Moore do a movie about that?  Cuz that **** ain't right!  Ladies and gentlemen, if you haven't noticed, I'm just a skinny black man trying to keep warm.  The reason I live in Los Angeles is because for a decent portion of the year the temparature is above 70 degrees.  Anything below 70 and I have to have 90% of my body protected from the elements.  If the temperature gets below 65, I absolutely have to wear head gear.  At 60, I'm wearing long johns.  What I'm trying to say is I get cold...easily!  And to add insult to injury, it rains there quite often.  In my opinion, there are few things worse than being wet AND cold.  When I'm wet and cold I look like one of those rat dogs that just climbed out of the pool, hair matted down, dripping wet, and shivering uncontrollably.  It looks like there's an earthquake in his liver and you're afraid the poor little guy is going to shake himself apart.  You stand there looking at him caught somewhere between laughter and pity, as the poor thing keeps yelping. 
"Bark!  Bark! (What are you looking at!?!  Can't you see I'm freezing here?  Somebody grab me a freakin' towel!)  Bark! (And who the hell thought it was funny to throw me in the pool?  You know I can't swim!  That's ok, whoever it was you better not go to sleep.  Cuz you maybe laughing now, but we'll see how funny it is when you wake up with my pee in your mouth!)  Bark! (Now somebody pick me up dammit!)
So needless to say, regardless of how beautiful it will be (don't worry, I'll take pictures) and I don't doubt that it will be, with highs of 59 and lots of wetness, after a month I'm sure I'll be ready to bring my skinny black butt back to So Cal to catch the tail end of the summer sun loving.  That's all for now!
Skinny Black ManThis has been an official message from the Skinny Black Man.

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